Last Good Deed
by sometimessupernatural
Summary: After Dean goes to Hell, Sam just wants to do one thing right. And then there's Ruby. And then there's blood. And he just wants to do one thing right. And then Lucifer's out. And he figures it out. One Shot. Trigger Warning for self harm, suicidal thoughts, and attempted suicide.
1. Chapter 1

Dean was gone. Dead. Ripped apart by hellhounds right _in front of his goddamn face and he didn't do anything why didn't he do anything how couldn't he do anything it was all his fault all his fault he was too slow too stupid too weak he was nothing he is nothing oh god-_  
The anger, at himself, at Lilith, at everyone, at everything, was so encompassing that for a while he blazed through demons himself going after Lilith, not caring about the monster he knew he was becoming, not caring if he died because at least he'd be where he belonged. With Dean. Oh god, Dean. He was everything Sam had never been. The hero to his monster. The salvation to his tainted, ugly blood. Sam's saving grace, he thought, would be to protect Dean. If he could keep the good brother alive, then maybe that would be the one good thing he did with his life. He'd do almost anything to make Dean happy, but he'd do everything to keep Dean safe.  
Then, he'd met Ruby.  
And everything went downhill from there.  
The demon blood gave him power, but that wasn't what he wanted, wasn't what he cared about. What he cared about was that, even though he was drinking blood, a demon's blood no less, it gave him the ability to save people, and to avenge, maybe even rescue his brother from Hell.  
It gave him a second chance at redemption, at doing something to make his life anything other than disappointments and mistakes.  
And they were having sex. She acted like she loved him and made him forget everything and that was the best thing because to clear his head these days it took something drastic and at least this worked better than cutting his wrists and she was beautiful and she wasn't sweet she acted like she was in control and that sometimes worried him but what did he have to lose because _his brother was gone_ and she was there and Sam couldn't be alone anymore.  
Then Sam wanted more blood and that scared him. Ruby wanted him to drink more and that also scared him. But he did because, again, what did he have to lose?  
But sometimes he thinks back to the year before Dean's deal and he wonders what Dean would do and what Dean would think and then he stops thinking that because he needs to focus on Lilith and also he's pretty sure that if he gets Dean back he'll hate Sam and Sam can't handle that.  
And then Dean's back and he's pissed about the blood and Sam realizes it's an addiction and he can't stop and did Ruby know? She couldn't have known because she wants Lilith dead too and she can't be tricking him because that means the whole 4 months was a lie and she was using him and she still is and Sam can't handle his brother hating him and this (another) huge screw up.  
And then the detox comes and Ruby can't help him now he's dying he has to be dying he wishes he was dying and Ruby doesn't care he needs someone to care he needs someone to understand he can't kill Lilith without this and he has to show Dean he has to show Bobby he has to show that he cared that Dean was in hell he has to show that he can do something important he can do one thing right.

* * *

Oh God.  
Lucifer is out and he did it and _this is the worst one yet._  
This is the ultimate fuck up of all fuck ups.  
He wants to die but he wanted to do one thing right and now nothing is right and he did all of this and now all these people will die and nothing he will ever do will _ever_ make up for this he's damned he let Lucifer free and he should just fucking _die_ already because all he does is fuck up and-  
And Dean leaves him.  
Well, really Sam left.  
And Dean locked the door when he knocked.  
He just wanted to do one thing right.  
 _One thing right._  
Gordon.  
He was right. This is it. His last good deed.  
He leaves Dean a note beside his soon-to-be corpse. The maid who finds him will call the police and the police will hit speed dial one and Dean will get the note and he feels bad about the maid who will find him but he needs to do this.  
When Lucifer brings him back he crushes his phone.  
He crushes and breaks the pieces.  
Dean will be safe from him.  
He'll keep trying.  
And when he finally says yes, Dean has gotten all the rings and shows up at the graveyard and he knows and its like he and Dean planned this all along until he can't get control and he almost kills Dean and Bobby's dead and Cas is dead and all he can think is last good deed last good deed last good deedlastgooddeedlastgooddeedlastg _ooddeedlastgooddeedlastgooddeed._  
And then he's in the Cage.  
"Last good deed, huh? Let's see if it was worth it, what do you think, _Sammy?"_


	2. Chapter 2

**I didn't think I was going to make another chapter for this, but then this just kind of happened. Might as well post it!**

 **By the way, this is my first (or is it second) story on this site, and I got my first review here, so I'd just like to say THANK YOU SO MUCH SAYDECIAM! You don't understand how excited I got that someone actually liked this enough to review. And wow. Just, thanks.**

 **Anyway, here it is!**

Then there was torture. And it went on forever. For lifetimes. And then something came and tried to save him. He couldn't really tell who, or what it was but there wasn't much he could do to help and Lucifer wasn't very easy to get around especially with Michael at his side and the angel (he assumed it was an angel, but his thinking didn't get much further than that) eventually snatched a piece of him and left, assuming he'd gotten the full Sam. And Sam was still there. He didn't feel any loss after the angel left, only a small twinge of disappointment. He'd known not to hope.

And the torture went on. Sometimes they got bored with him, Michael and Lucifer, and they'd fight. They reminded Sam of himself and Dean before the Apocalypse. They were so close, close to becoming the brothers they once were, until Dad died. And then it all went downhill, continuing down a path of dark and hellish until it ended with Sam gone and the Apocalypse barely averted.

Sam tried to think of the good times with Dean, as a kid and when they first started hunting again, after Jess. Thinking about Jess helped too. She represented the only time in his life that he'd been normal. The only time in his life that he's gotten away from the evil that followed him everywhere. Though, maybe that was a lie. Who knows how long Azazel had been watching him before Jessica's death.

Sometimes Sam thought about his mother, who he'd never had the chance to know. All he knew was pictures, the short time he'd been in Dean's Heaven, and the small snippet of that night that Azazel had shown him in Cold Oak. She seemed amazing, a warm, loving mother. But that's all Sam could know. John never told him about Mary, and Sam didn't have the heart to bring it up to Dean. How could he pick open a wound that he himself had caused? _If Dad had let me burn that night, if the demon had killed me and left before Mom could get to my room, then they would've been so much happier._

Sam stopped thinking about Mary.

When Sam thought of John, his mind conjured up weapons training. Though Sam was never as good as Dean in fist fights, he was a damn good shot. When Sam started hitting targets easily at eleven, John had been proud. That seemed to be one of the only times that had happened. Shortly after that, John had learned about what the demon did to Sam, and no longer was the same. Sam didn't get the warm affection from John that Dean did. John was sure to never hit Sam, he would never sink that low, and he knew that Dean would be furious, but Sam didn't miss the fear in John's eyes when he looked at him. The fear that Sam would turn into a monster. That Sam would kill.

Then John's death. Because Sam was careless, because he was stupid, and slow, and didn't see what John was going to do, John was dead.

Sam stopped thinking about John.

Finally, there was Adam. He didn't actually meet the kid until it was too late. Adam had been eaten by ghouls, and was taken from the Heaven he deserved by angels who only wanted to use him. He'd been an alright kid. He hadn't trusted them at first, who would? But then he said yes to Michael, which Sam couldn't blame Adam for, and then Adam was dead again. Killed by a holy Molotov Castiel used to help Sam throw Lucifer, and himself, into the Cage. Michael was a bonus. Overall, Adam being related to John (and to him) had ruined the kid's life. He'd had a slow first death, eaten by monsters. Maybe they hadn't dragged it out as long as they implied, but then the angels had dragged Adam back into this mess, getting him possessed, killing him violently, again. Adam was alright, until he got dragged into the Winchester life. And it killed him. Twice.

He didn't think about Adam.

So Sam tried to redirect his mind to Dean when it wandered. Because even though he'd hurt Dean, he'd saved him too, by jumping into this pit. And every cut, every hit, every burn, every bit of pain he took here was redeeming Sam for all that he'd done. _The road to Hell is paved with good intentions. Isn't that true. But I'm paying for it. I've paid for what I've done up there down here._

So when something much darker and more powerful came and rescued Sam from the Cage, he didn't feel that he deserved to stay. He sighed as all those pain filled memories washed away, as he reentered life on Earth. He knew that he had paid, and he deserved this, this escape. Though he'd always feel guilty about what he'd done, he felt he didn't have to pay any more. He was free of that guilt, all the sins of the first part of his life. This was his chance to start anew, and he'll be damned if he lets it go.


End file.
